Now what?

I’ve avoided writing this post for days. 

I don’t know what to say. 

I’ve stopped crying for now at least. 

The appointment on Wednesday was long and intense. I had to recite my medical history for the billionth time, which is hard enough to go through alone but then he asked me about kids and if I wanted them. I hate that question. I hate having to think about my fertility at all. I’d rather ignore it until it’s an active issue in my life. 

Then he examined me. 

I forgot how much that internal lark hurts. The pain took me by suprise and I instantly cried and from there on out the tears didn’t stop for at least half an hour.

He thoroughly went through what he thought may be wrong and the ways it could be treated. Then he dropped a bombshell. 

He’s retiring in the next few months!

That glimmer of hope I once had, had just been squashed. 

He offered to do the surgery but only after a diagnostic op which would cost the £4k. However, he wouldn’t do anything to help during that op. Should I then decided to proceed with the “total radical peritoneal excision” it would cost £25k! 

My heart broke. 

Something I thought could be easily fixed for what I thought was a lot of money was now going to be a 10hr op and cost more money than I could ever get together. Plus there would be no real follow up. 

I was back to square one. 

I cried at my GP yesterday morning. He looked at me with that sad face I’ve seen before. The one that the consultants in NZ had when I wasn’t getting better. The face that says I’m sorry but I don’t know what to do anymore. I hate that face. Doctors are supposed to know how to fix you. They’re meant to have the answers 😔

Forgive me if I don’t want to talk about this to you but as you can imagine, I’m gutted. I paid £350 for almost an hour of false hope.

I don’t know where to go from here. 

The nurses at the spire clinic took me and my motuer to one side, seperstely and spoke about another doctor who they highly recommended and also still works for the NHS. So I could maybe get in through choose and book to see him, but again up north. 

I knew something like this would happen. This was the reason I didn’t want the GoFundMe page set up before I had seen anyone. I’m so pessimistic about my health because I’m used to stuff like this. I’m used to there almost being hope and then it being snatched away. 

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with the money you’ve all been so kind to donate at this point. I feel like I should give it all back. 

I feel so lost right now

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