Drug free weekend

I went a whole weekend without any kind of painkillers!!!

I took some pills Friday morning (codeine & odensetron) but that was it!

I ate like I was at an all you can eat buffet. It was crazy. The last few weeks I was skipping meals and would take me most of the afternoon to finish a sandwich and maybe some crisps whilst at work.

But most importantly. I was relatively pain free.

I was too scared to do anything all weekend for fear of triggering it though.

Saturday was mainly spent in floods of tears because everything I had ignored for the past 6 weeks demanded to be thought about and felt.

I was particularly attractive that day, I’ll tell you.

Everything felt a bit alien. Driving felt wrong. Sleeping was difficult. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. And incredibly hormonal. Thanks for that zoladex. 

Today is ok (so far) Sitting is uncomfortable but I’m standing far more upright than I was last week, however the pain is definitely trying to make a comeback. It’s tight and burning and comes with the added bonus of nausea. The sharp stabs let me know it’s not to be ignored. 

Thankfully it’s dead people day and so far nothing is booked in. So I won’t have to do anything too strenuous 😊

We’ll check in again tomorrow after a day of real work


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I’m not usually one to brag, but..

Today I was able stand up straight and walk at a pretty normal pace! 

I’ve also not taken any drugs since this morning nor used the TENS machine at all 😁 it’s been lovely.
I’m still quite uncomfortable but it’s nothing like the horrible day that was yesterday.

I even resorted to taking morphine to get through that day!

I had the added bonus of being able to feel built up air in my bowel all day. That created a whole different world of pain.
Thankfully a peppermint tea and some buscopan fixed that last night. Had a decent nights sleep and then today has been far more bearable.

There were far less sad, sympathetic faces asking how I was.
People still noticed the suffering and asked me about it but no comments came from patients today. So I’ll take that as a win πŸ˜…

Oooh and this is the first day all week that I’ll eat 3 whole meals too. In fact I’ve been pigging out all day. Just need to not over do it and make myself feel crappy that way

Fake it til you make itΒ 

So many people today in the corridors at work, pulled that concerned face and asked if I was ok. Even people I don’t know πŸ˜”

Our receptionist even said “You’re really struggling today aren’t you”.

Closely followed by a patient telling me I looked like I was in pain as I walked past her. 

My response is always the same. Yeah, I’m ok. I’m fine… but I guess my poker face is failing me now 

Fab friends 😍

The last few days have been a bit of a nightmare really. I was in so much pain that I barely slept for more than an hour at a time and to top things off I ran out of codeine so was relying on tramadol. (I’ve only just remembered as I proof read this, that tramadol gives me insomniaπŸ˜‚ Ffs Ny!)

We got some pretty devastating news about my grandad Thurs night. He cried on the phone whilst talking to me and that set me off. 

So on top of being a zombie on Friday. I was incredibly sad too. 

Hugs were forced upon me by a couple of colleagues so I really mustn’t have been hiding anything very well that day. 

A bloody good friend became my night in shining armour and helped me book flights to get my brother back as soon as possible. 

Grandad had asked me not to tell him but I couldn’t do that. I was away when grandma passed away and it was awful. He deserved the chance to see him again. 

As you can see, I made the most of our time together yesterday πŸ˜‚

I can’t imagine what he’s going through but I do love all the new gadgets he has. A chair that stands him up or reclines really far back, a chair that raises him out of the bath, an alarm that tells him when to take new drugs and a bed in the living room!

I asked if he wanted to go skydiving or swim with sharks in his last months. He declined. Said we could watch instead πŸ˜‚

So I think the rest of the fam may just have to spend the rest of his time with us playing with Snapchat filters 😊

Thankfully we got Ty back from Greece for a couple of days and we spent yesterday with grandad. He goes back tomorrow til Nov. I’m glad I could spend my tax money on something worthwhile. 

Today I found something else to put my money towards. 

I found a doctor online that specialises in laparoscopic gynae procedures. He does this weird procedure called temporary ovarian suspension. After the adhesions are cut, he puts a solution in to stop further adhesions forming during healing, meanwhile (as the procedure title suggests) he stiches the ovaries to the anterior abdominal wall for 7ish days.

So the theory is that in that time, things get less sticky as they heal and when the ovaries are released, they have less chance of forming adhesions again to the other structures. 

Annoyingly it’ll cost almost Β£4000.

I thought about making a crowdfunding page to help me pay for this but then felt bad when I saw all the actual worthwhile cases. Then I clicked on the medical section and found all the people wanting money for IVF. That struck me as quite selfish. There’s so many kids out there already who need a home.

Yes my cause is kinda selfish but I don’t think anyone should really have to live a life of constant pain either. I’m just asking to be almost normal again. Do something more than hold patients hands at work and then sleep when I’m at home.

If I was asking people to pay for liposuction or something that would be different πŸ˜… exercise you lazy cow!

But there is literally nothing else I can do right now. I’m out of options. The NHS has done pretty much as much as it is willing to do. They just keep throwing painkillers at me. 

So I’ve made an appointment to see this consultant. It’s going to cost me Β£350 for just an hour of his time. 

It’s not til the second week of August, which if I’m still in pain by then, I may be ready to do a murder. That will be week 8 of this flare up. 2 whole months of being in near constant pain. That’s a tad ridiculous.

Fingers crossed I get some relief in the meantime. I may start the gabapentin.

Oooh on a nicer note, this happened upon my return from work today.. 

I seriously have the best friends! Even if they do want me to be fat πŸ˜‚

Thank you all for the continuing support. It means more than you’ll know. I wouldn’t have got this far without you. 

Seriously! 

Especially those of you who I’ve cried at. 

Love you all xx

Healed scars

Yesterday marked one year since my last operation. Check out how well my scars healed in that time. 

Excuse all the other weird lines. I’m still in bed and will continue to be here all day. They’re from my pjs and whatnot. 

Also the hole above my bellybutton is a piercing πŸ˜… A nurse after one of my ops didn’t realise and out a dressing on it πŸ˜‚

Can’t believe I’ve gone a whole year without being admitted. Mostly because I refused the last few times I’ve been in A&E. 

That may have to change if this 5 week bollocks continues for another 5. 

Yesterday at work I was practicality a zombie. I wonder if they could force me to take time off if I become more useless?

I enjoy going to work. Those moments where I’m holding someone’s hand and reassuring them that everything is going to be ok, are what’s keeping me going. I have hope for them. More hope than I do for myself. 

Without those moments and knowing I’m helping, then I wouldn’t keep afloat. I wouldn’t get out of bed. I would wallow in self pity, taking all the codeine and tramadol I was allowed and attempt to stay awake watching stupid stuff on Netflix.

On that note. That’s how I’m going to spend my day 😁 I bit you adieu 😚

Not sleeping well

As we come to the end of week 5 of this flare up, I’m starting to fall apart. 

Yesterday I was discharged from gastro as they found nothing on the MRI. They think it’s gynae so are referring me to someone at cov for a fresh pair of eyes.

After wearing my pads but forgetting the actual TENS machine for my shift at work I was pretty sore at the end of the day. This was reflected in my awful attempt at sleeping.

Lots of tramadol and codeine. I was up every couple of hours thanks to the pain.

There were a few sudden jolts awake in the middle of the night which I can only assume that my breathing had slowed down so much that my body freaked out and made sure I was alive.

The TENS machine has been overworked today but provided little relief. 

I’m exhausted. Mentally and physically. 

I’ve never had a flare up last so long without being admitted to hospital. I honestly can’t see the light at the end of this tunnel and it’s so depressing. 

I had a chat with one of our doctors and it only made things worse. He seemed to think the cause was adhesions which is lame because the fix is further operations but in doing so you create more. It may give temporary relief but then come back again. Fighting a losing battle. They’ll only do it so many times. Plus privately it’ll cost Β£3k per op 😭

Today has sucked. First smear since the colposcopy and then my B12 injection which is long over due. 

I’m hoping that at the very least will make me less perpetually exhausted. I could do with one thing being a little better. No matter how small. 

I’ve had the zoladex implant in for a few weeks now and so far I just get the fun heat waves and wanted to cry all the time. I’ll give it a month or so before trying the gabapentin. I need to be sure which one is doing the job in helping me be more human. 

I’m so very very tired

Recovered from the weekendΒ 

One of our consultants today called me cheeky. The same man who last week asked why I looked so happy and told me a good smack would soon fix my face!

Yet I’m the cheeky one πŸ˜‚

I have recovered from the tramadol hangover now. I’m sore but comfortable. 

Far too bloody warm all the time but generally alright. 

The headache that takes over the whole left side of my face and neck gives me a bit of jip first thing every morning but it tends to ease off during the day. 

The scales informed me I got heavier again but I honestly don’t care right now. I can’t be miserable because I’m in pain and then add to it because I can’t eat what I want. 

The hormonal mood swings are enough to deal with. 

Oooh that’s a point. Side affect of the hormone implant was weight gain. So I’ll just blame that 😁

But yeah. I’m in a better place. Did a little bit of self care. Had a bath, washed my hair. Feeling a bit more human. 

Just in time for tomorrow’s gastro appointment and Thurs B12 injection and smear. Yay me