Breaking point

That impending meltdown that I’d been avoiding, happened this morning. 

Got pushed over the edge before 8am and had a big old cry. 

Thankfully nobody else was at work by then. It’s not quite the same when you have to hold back the uncontrollable sobbing. 

Dont get me wrong. It wasn’t a big meltdown. Just a bit of tears. No wailing like a banshee. 

Just a gentle sob with a woe is me attitude. 

It’s just so exhausting trying to be a normal human being when you’re in pain. I can’t play cool and hard to get when what I really need (not even want, need) is someone to just hug me and tell me it’s going to be ok. 

I’m massively needy right now and that’s a huge turn off. But it’s that or nothingness because I’m not down for mundane chit chat. I’m on too many drugs and constantly preoccupied for that. So screw you right now dude. I don’t need extra shit piled on right now. 

Seriously when is this pain bullshit going to go away?

Today’s time hop reminded me of just how bad it was last year. I’m not far off feeling the same but more from being perpetually exhausted by the situation than the pain. The pain is bareable at this moment. 

But seriously. How long does this actually have to go on for? 40 more years? I don’t want that.
Oh and I feel I need to clarify something I said yesterday about pain not disturbing my sleep. I meant that I can sleep. Albeit for a little while but at least I’m given that respite. 

2am the drugs wore off and I was suddenly woken by the pain and the need to vomit. Praise the Lord for having antisickess and codeine by my bed at all times. As well as a vomit bowl. Never go anywhere without one. Ask anyone who has ever been in my car 😅

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