Tears before bedtime

I’m fairly certain everyone knows this week has been a rough one. 

There were nights where there definitely were tears before bedtime. I got myself in such a state, it only made things worse. I was hot and uncomfortable and in pain and I spiralled.

I panicked that they’d never find out what was wrong and I’d be in pain for the rest of my life. I made the decision long ago that i was not willing to live like this forever and would sooner take my life rather than continue suffering. I looked up Dignitas but I couldn’t afford it. Heck I still can’t afford it. So there’s no danger of it happening soon.

I walked in on mum having a conversation with a friend on the phone the other day. “Ny doesn’t go anywhere. She doesn’t keep well with her health”. Very true statements but they made me sad. 

I don’t go anywhere. I go to work. I come home and I’m straight to lay down in bed.  Last Monday at work I spent most of the shift laying down because it was the only way I was comfortable. 

I’ve worked my way through a blister packet of codeine already since weds. Accompanied with plenty of cyclazine to make sure breakfast stays down. It’s only Saturday 😔

I’m also incredibly big atm. I don’t know how. I’m eating so much less than I did that week in Greece. It’s not in my head either. I would deffo not be putting this body in a bikini. I feel bloated but it’s not hard. Just a big annoying belly that’s uncomfortable (yes for those that care my bowels are working)

So this is me. Beached whale. 

Sore and sad and nauseous and completely over this bullshit. 

I know my MRI has been reported. Why do I have to wait to see my gastro doctor in order to read it? If it’s normal then I’m going to have to try the hormone injections again and if it’s not then I’ll have to have treatment for whatever it is they find. If there is a treatment!

I wish they’d bloody find something so they could treat it already. 

I’m losing hope. 

I’d love to go private but I need a starting point. I can’t pay for every test imaginable.

I don’t want/need any more radiation. 

Today I learnt that I have 1/187 chance of getting cancer from my CT scans alone. Thanks for that. 

Add that to all the other examinations I’ve had and the precancerous cells they found last year, things are looking good! 

Next week I really must book in for another smear and my B12 injection. That’ll be a fun day

I just want to be normal again 😣


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