A little bit of sunshine

Today I did something incredibly selfish. 

I booked a holiday! 

A week, alone, in Greece. 

It’s going to be amazing. Laying in a bikini, eating as much hummus as I can stuff my face with and reading so many books. I can’t wait. 

Mum only agreed to letting me go alone as my brother is actually working 10 mins down the road at another, far too expensive for me, hotel. Otherwise she would have kicked up a right fuss about my health and being alone in far away lands. 

I’m so excited. I need this so much. 

I don’t care if I’m ill the whole time. I’ll just be poorly in the sun instead of in bed. Hell I could be ill in bed there and order room service. All inclusive baby!

Now I just need to get some holiday clothes that fit and I’m ready to go. Hooray 

Advertisements

MRI funtimes

Today has not been a fun one. 

I knew the MRI wouldn’t be comfortable but this went above and beyond any I have had before. 

First of all the drink- no matter how much cordial you put in it, it still makes you want to gag. Which, you know, is marvellous when you constantly feel nauseous anyway. 

The coil was a hell of a lot lighter than the previous ones I’ve had on so that was nice. But there were no mirrors this time. I couldn’t see out. I couldn’t see how far in I was or what anyone else was doing. 

The headphones didn’t work so I couldn’t hear what the Radiographers were saying to me and they didn’t pump in any music to muffle the sounds. At one point it sounded like I was stuck in an arcarde game. Pacman noises were definitely made. How can a magnet be so noisy?

It was a horrible experience. I hurt so much, I felt so sick and I had to lie so still in a position that I would never chose as a comfortable one. 

All that breath holding did not help with the nausea. If anything it made the reflux worse and the panic set it about how long I was going to be stuck in there trying not to vomit on myself. 

And that was probably the most pleasant part of the day. 

The liquid they made me drink an entire litre of, was a laxative. 

How I made it through 30 mins of scanning and the journey back from Rugby before it kicked in baffles me. 

I do not feel good. 

Every grumble of my tummy hurts. Just to add to the normal mystery pain. 

All in all, I’m a bit miserable. 

Something better come of this scan or else I’ll be very upset I went through this for nothing. 

I need a holiday 

Back on the opiods

I almost made it two whole weeks without painkillers. 

Day 13 it fell apart a bit. Started the day with some anti-nausea drugs because otherwise I would have been very sick, multiple times. These were chased down by my old friend codeine. 

Sad times but it was nice to be without them for the time that I had. 

It may actually work in my favour if the pain keeps up like this while I’m having my MRI. It will be hell for me to lay on my back that long, that still, but better for a possible diagnosis. 

Also, this happened tonight..

It was totally worth it though. I already felt shit, so why not eat my emotions 😅

Fuck working myself in to the ground anymore. If I’m sick, I’m not pushing myself and making myself exhausted for nothing any longer. 

The rest of this year shall be about doing things that make me happy and work sure isn’t one of them 😁

All muddled up

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but it sure has happened previously. 

I’m struggling with speaking. 

Not in a slurred way, but just sentence construction in general. 

Things make sense in my head but it doesn’t come out right (or even at all sometimes). Some of it doesn’t even make sense. It’s not cool. I miss words out and jumble them up. I can’t even get full words out sometimes and just trail off.

I’m trying not to get frustrated with myself for it because I can’t control it but it’s annoying and embarrassing. 

It only happens when I’m doing something mildly important like talking to patients or work colleagues. Explaining things is just practically impossible in any way that makes sense. It’s madness because this stuff is basically robotic now. Set speeches about what I’m doing but nope. Nonsense happens instead.

I’m bloody glad this is happening after my interview last week or I’d have been straight on that nope pile. 

As far as Dr Google has told me it isn’t a side effect of the lack of antidepressants in my system but what does Dr Google know?

The dizziness, nausea and headaches. Those things it was spot on about but I’m sure it I Google this it’ll tell me I’m having a stroke!

Woohoo

I can’t believe I’m writing this but I have just had a whole week without taking any pain killers. 

8 days so far without having to take any drugs. 

I can’t remember the last time that happened. 

I went back to pole. I sucked but I made it past the warm-up this week which is better than the previous two weeks. 

Yesterday I had a moment after a tough day at work where I thought, “wow my muscles are so sore”. My muscles. Not my tummy or my side. But my legs, arms and shoulders from finally being able to do exercise again. I stopped thinking negatively about the pain and realised how brilliant it was that I felt this way and not horribly ill. 

Don’t get me wrong. I still feel “it”. The dull ache reminding me that I’m not completely normal. 

I’ve been sick a couple of times. 

One of those was almost a horribly embarassing incident but luckily I made it to the sluice before I vommitted on top of the bowl of my patients vomit, that I was taking to dispose. Guess my stomach isn’t as strong as it used to be at the moment.

But hey my body allowed me to have two nights out dancing the night away. So I’m pretty chuffed with it. Especially seeing how stressful this week should have been, with interview prep and whatnot. 

I’ve woke up the past few days feeling quite content 😊

Don’t get me wrong. I feel a bit crap still, it never truly goes, and I am perpetually exhausted, but this is completely livable. Naps are the way forw

Finally a good day!

Now I don’t want to jinx things, although I’m fairly certain it won’t last anyway, but… I haven’t taken any pain killers for the past two days!😲😲

Of course I’m still kinda sore but it’s it not worth taking codeine for. 

I have thoroughly enjoyed my holiday from pain. I even went out last night. 

Long may it continue. Or at least let me have this weekend so I can get shit done 🙂