A mental struggle

The past week was a really difficult one. Physically and mentally. 

The two are very much interlinked. When I get sick I can’t do half the stuff I want to do and it just fuels the depression and I get harder on myself for not being able to do normal people things.

I’m gaining weight because I’m an emotional eater and I can no longer exercise it away. 

Monday, out of nowhere, it hit me hard. I was home alone and cried a lot. I wrote this…

Every so often it happens.
Something seemingly insignificant can happen and my whole world comes crashing down.
I lose sight of all logic. All that makes sense. All the good things.
I only see the bad. The failures. The lack of achievements. The worthlessness.
The fat. The ugly. The stupid.

It hurts.
It’s exhausting.

The fight gets less and less appealing as the years go on. I never dreamed I’d get this far into my 20s.

This is not the life I wanted. It’s not one I feel I can do much with at the moment.
I exist.
I try to make it worthwhile by making other people happy. But it’s not enough. That’s not a reason to continue suffering

What if this time it doesn’t get better. I don’t pull through the cloud of despair?
It’s so hard to see a way out. I’ve managed to before now but you can never see an ending when you’re so deep into the sadness.

Every time I go through this I hope it’s the last time. But it never is.
I don’t know how I’ve got this far.
I don’t know how many more times I can do it before its just enough now.

I tried talking to a friend, I tried finding help online. It’s fairly impossible to get help without actually talking to someone on the phone and this wasn’t something i was willing to do.

Phone conversations are right at the top of my avoidance list. I will go out of my way to avoid a telephone call. It’s a common thing people with anxiety and depression avoid, so why is it the only way you seem to be able to get help?

There are certain groups you can talk to online but as I am a straight female over 25, I didn’t qualify for them. There’s also pay for services but when you think your life is worthless do you really think you’re gonna then pay to talk to someone? No. 

Anyhoo. I pulled through.

I cried myself to sleep that night. Soldiered on to work in the morning and made an appointment to see a GP in the afternoon.

Didn’t last long at work that day. After I’d vomited from the pain the 3rd time, I got sent home. 

Weirdly, a patient told me how pretty she thought I was that day. Shortly before I abandoned her to go be sick. I assume she was on a lot of pain meds still and didn’t notice how crappy I was looking. 

Things got better from then on. I started back on the antidepressants I had accidentally stopped taking due to running out the week before. I was prescribed some anti sickness drugs too, which are a God send and truly help with the horrid side effects of the tramadol and codeine.

I feel a bit more functional at work now but am still ever likely to punch an annoying doctor in the throat, so the sedative part is a massive lie!

😂 I threatened to put my tens machine on an ortho consultant and turn it up really high if he didn’t stop pestering me. He left me with the parting words “Hope you don’t get a UTI” after I’d mentioned how I was too busy to even go to the loo.

Some of them are alright I guess. 

After reading up on some accupressure points I decided to get a new piercing this weekend. It’s in a similar place to the temporary stud Dave put in my ear when he was doing acupuncture. So far I’ve not noticed much difference but it’s only been a day

I haven’t taken any drugs so far today though so that’s an improvement on yesterday. That could equally be because I haven’t left the house all day! We already know that doing things makes it worse, so a lazy Sunday was definitely in order. 

I’m hoping the next few weeks will be better. Financially they may be a struggle with my impending party but it’ll all work out in the end. 

Onwards and upwards


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