Trying to be normal

Yesterday I woke up full of hope that the second session of acupuncture had worked miracles again like last time.

I showered and then realised how foolish I was to think I was suddenly ok again.
I was also dumb enough to assume that a day in bed would mean that I could enjoy an evening of comedy with Gina.
It was great but I was in so much pain sitting that still for so long.

I cried on the way home.
I cried because it hurt so much and I no longer had to hide that pain from anyone. I cried because I dont know how long it is going to last this time round.
I cried because I want a social life again.
Ive only just myself to a good place mentally where I can leave the house and do things with people and Im not completely and utterly depressed.I dont want to go back to that.

I cried because I was scared. I am still scared.
How many years is this really going to continue for?

I eventually managed to get some sleep around 7am this morning.
No matter how much Tramadol and codeine I had taken, nothing was dulling the pain. It wasnt even making me sleepy anymore. I couldnt get comfortable and I was just getting more and more distressed by the situation.

I dont know how to talk to about this with people anymore. I get asked the same stupid questions about when am I going to see a doctor next or if I think I should go back to hospital.
What is the point. Theyve got no interest in finding out why I get so ill. “some people just have pain” remember?!
Its exhausting.
Being in pain is exhausting but being in pain and trying to hide it all the time is beyond draining.

What if I get too sick to go to my own birthday party?!



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