Well that was a good week or so…

I was kind of looking forward to writing a post about how well things have been going. 

Gynae even tried to discharge me last week but I refused to let them. 

Anyway. I’ve just taken a couple of tramadol because I can’t stand upright so I guess I was right about not letting them get rid of me!

It’s further forward today and crampy like period pain without the period. Not a fan. 

It catches me and I forget to breathe. Which coincidentally fits in well with my pain clinic appointment today. Meditation and breathing techniques. 

I’m determined to find a cause for this bullshit by the end of the year. It takes up far too much of my life. 

I’m too tired and sore to even complain properly so I’ll leave it here and if I think of anything else I’ll add tomorrow. 

Oh and it’s 4 years this week since this bullshit started. Yay lucky me

Just so you know..

I’m still OK!

Not to jinx it or anything but I’m fine. 

Obviously still nauseous because apparently that’s my life now. It’s been just over 8 weeks of that bullshit. 

I’m sore but in a way I can ignore. A tight, numb kind of dull ache that prevents me from sleeping on my left but doesn’t prohibit much else. 

Today I was naughty and had 2 tiny cookies coz I wasn’t going to risk the free birthday cake. I then went overboard, throwing caution to the wind and decided to have baked beans as part of my dinner. 

Here is the immediate result 

I think it’s safe to say I should not eat beans. But dammit the chips, cheese and beans were blumming good!

In other news I finally got my GI referral through. Unfortunately the wait list is huge and I didn’t manage to book an appt til May. 

Howeve,r my mother is in the know and is hoping one of her contacts can work their magic on that 😉

I must say I am very much looking forward to them discovering a whole bunch of foods I also shouldn’t be eating. Ideally they’ll decide I’m coeliac and give me prescription gluten free stuff coz that food is expensive. 

Anyhoo that’s the end of today’s post. 

I’m really bloated and slightly uncomfortable. Yay

Who would’ve thunk it..

Sorry for the lack of posts or maybe you’re happy you’ve not been spammed every day by them. I dunno. Anyhoo here’s a new one. 

I’m not in pain anymore. 

Well I say not in pain. I mean not in any pain worth mentioning. There’s a dull ache but nothing I have needed the TENS or any drugs for. 

It’s madness. How do I go from ugly crying about the pain to being ok?

Weirdly though I’m more grumpy than I was when I was in pain. That’s not fair. I’m sure it will lift but for today I’m just going to let it be. I don’t have to be happy all the time. 

Fingers crossed the pain stays away for a while longer 😊

Tough day

I almost had a full on meltdown today. 

Sitting is so uncomfortable and laying down is not an option so I spent half the day wandering round the office aimlessly and ate my lunch leaning against a filing cabinet.

I cried at work. I cried in the car. I cried at a mates house. Proper full on ugly crying too. Not just girly sobs. 

My brain was just full of pain and the more I thought about things the worse it got and the crying got harder. 

Having a look at all the paperwork to apply for sickness benefits sent me over the edge. I don’t want to do that. I feel like a fraud but what else can I do when I’m clearly not well enough to work properly. 

I’ve already lost a shit load of money by not working the past 2 weeks and God knows how much longer this is going to go on for this time. 

I have bills to pay and a party to pay for and I had not factored in this kind of loss of income because I was fine. I was ok. I wasn’t in pain. This is bullshit. 

Thankfully I’ve managed to get a few extra dead people shifts this week so next months pay should have a few extra pennies in it. 

And I got to hang out with Lyra today which cheered me up. Kids are bloody weird. At what point does it become inappropriate for them to shove their hand down your bra and ask why you have boobs? One day I’m going to return that favour!

Ugh

This living with this pain lark is hard. I mean that. Not existing with pain. I’ve got that down to a t. 

Existing in pain is easy. I do nothing. I see nobody. I just exist and suffer quietly. 

Living- Actually getting on with every day life. That shit is difficult. 

Leaving the safety of my bed is something I’m starting to loath but I can’t give in to this bullshit. 

After a trip to the hairdressers today I napped for 2 hours! What the shit is that about? Sitting in a chair and a car for a few hours wore me out that much that I fell asleep when I got home and finally got comfortable!

Tonight I went out for drinks and dinner, which obviously included a lot of sitting and yep you guessed it, resulted in a lot of pain. 

I replaced the drugs with rum. So much rum. It doesn’t work as a pain killer though, let me tell you that!

Unfortunately too the battery on my TENS is dying. It keeps spazzing and sending random stronger bolts of electricity into my abdomen like I’m being cattle prodded! (Actually happened to me once in Oz)

It’s not even been a week and I’ve almost killed this battery! I turned it to its max before the night even started. Not a good sign. But as I don’t think the battery is working properly I’m unwilling to accept that was full power. I barely felt it!

But hey at least I’m taking a hell of a lot less drugs whilst I’m distracting myself with tiny electrical impulses and that’s gotta be a good thing.

Replacement batteries and we’ll reassess tomorrow

Not giving in

I tried to be normal last night and have a social life. It’s far more difficult than I thought it would be. I remembered why I became a depressed recluse last time!

Sitting is not fun. Seriously seriously unfun. So much so that I shall avoid it as much as I can. 

I lost a lot of weight in NZ because it simply was too much effort to eat and that’s the way I’m going now. Not the best way to lose weight I agree but not being in pain is far more important than food right now. Thankfully I have mum around to force feed me or I’d only be living on wotsits.

The TENS machine only works so much to distract me from the pain. It ends up in an awkward position when I’m sitting too so it’s less effective. But hey least I didn’t cry last night like I did last Friday!

Small victories!

I’ve spent all day in bed in the hope that I can attempt to be normal again tomorrow. Ugh.

TENS update

I’ve had this TENS machine for over a day now and already managed to break one of the leads and a pad! God knows how though. 

I’ve also learnt just why they tell you not to wear it whilst driving!

I whilst I was sat in the car I tried to turn it off before I started my drive but accidentally turned it all the way up 😂 oh my word did it give me a shock. My left leg shot out and put my foot hard down on the clutch. This thing could cause serious accidents. 

I wasn’t so sure it was working until I attempted to do pole without it. NOPE. Not a good idea. I adjusted the position of the pads a bit so they weren’t catching and moved the box to the opposite hip so I could invert without smashing it to pieces. But yeah. It works. I could start a new trend. Earn me some cash money as an ageing, wobbly, falling apart stripper. A stripper who has to keep her undies on so she has somewhere to clip the TENS machine and a bra to stop her giving herself black eyes!

Sexy!

So yeah. Verdict so far- it kinda works. It distracts me from the pain. However I’m already on level 6 and it only goes to 8. What happens then?

Apparently most people have it on 3 or 4. Pfft whimps. 

It’s a two week trial so we’ll just have to go with the flow. If I don’t like it I can send it back. If I do, I can pay for this one or buy another model. Heck if it works I’ll put a super expensive model on my Amazon wishlist for my birthday 😂 one that goes higher than 8!