Yeah I’m good thanks, you?

Why is that always my response when someone asks how I am?

Is it because I’m terribly British or because people don’t want to hear the truth and so it’s an easier response?

If I told them I’ve been feeling nauseous since before New Years eve. I’m relying on tramadol to sleep and coedine to keep me upright for the day. That on Monday I was sick twice on the drive to work, spilt the vomit bowl on myself and spent the whole day in a dizzy haze. 

Nobody wants that answer. That answer means getting sent home sick without pay, for God knows how long and it’s all pointless because they don’t know or care about why I randomly get so sick. 

For now it’s ok. It’s bearable. I can still get through a day at work. I refuse to give up pole no matter how much harder it is when in pain. That place is the only thing that keeps me sane. 

I went back to acupuncture today and ended up with a weird new piercing in my ear that should stop me from feeling so sick. 

But not before I wasted my day going to an appointment I didn’t need to attend. Blumming NHS screw up meant mine and the nurses time was wasted. Not to mention I was put under undue stress. 

I received a letter dated 5th Jan telling me I needed to book in for a smear test and seeing as it’s as been 6 months since the cancer scare I just went along with it. Apparently it was a lie though coz I’m not due til june. Why do that to me?! I feel crap enough as it is without that added worry. Bloody idiots. 

Anyhooo. On to better things. 

Let’s have a tiny chat about pole, because I don’t talk about it enough…

Minus the husband thing this stands!

I used to over think before pole. I’d worry about what I’d wear, how I’d look. Heck I even used to put makeup on. Now they’re pretty lucky if I remember to shave and wear something other than pyjamas πŸ˜‚

Last night I did as I said I would and wore a crop top. Bearing all. And you know what, it was fine. Nobody batted an eyelid and if anything I was surprised at how much smaller I am in the mirror than I am in my head. 

Of course people, EVERYONE, has rolls when they’re contorting their bodies into crazy positions. And I’m finally ok with mine 😊

I did it. It took me longer than the others but I had loads of time off and I’m constantly ill. I’m improving every week πŸ˜€

Two weeks ago vs last night..

Once I get somewhere to put my own pole there will be no stopping me!



Get ya belly out

​There is no way that if you told me last year that I would own crop tops and actually wear them in public, that I would believe you. 

I bought these for pole because the more skin to grip to, the better.

The confidence I have gained over the past year at pole elevation is incredible. Teamed with cognitive behavioural therapy and a few good friends, I’ve improved leaps and bounds. 

I had such crippling social anxiety that I barely did anything but work. I was convinced people didn’t like me and didn’t want to see me so withdrew from activities and eventually stopped getting invited all together. 

Things have changed so much. 

Yeah, I’m still kind of sick and I’m not entirely comfortable in my own skin but I care a hell of a lot less about what other people think about now and I’ve stopped listening to that negative nelly voice in my head.

I will wear these tops, hairy bloated belly out and all.

I love my pole girls. They’re nothing but encouraging and they’d never care about how I look, they’d simply push my ass higher up that pole and help me grab my foot from what seems impossibly far away.

I’m happy my ailing body has let me get this far in life. It’s a fighter, even when I’m mean to it. I’ll continue to be amazed at what it let’s me do on that pole and if bearing more skin than I’d like to whilst contorting my body into ridiculous positions, will help it stay in position, then I owe it that at least.

Is it weird that I’m more comfortable with this big fat bloated belly than I was with my normal one? I can’t do anything about it and for whatever reason that makes me feel better πŸ˜‚

Anyhoo. New clothes. Yay

Bloaty McBloaterson

I’m not entirely sure what’s happened but it’s not fun. 

Since weds I haven’t eaten any of the foods that used to be my triggers over 6 months ago but yet I haven’t deflated. 

It’s sore and I’ve felt nauseous for the last 3 weeks but such is life. I’m going back to gluten free in the hope that works otherwise it’s back to the doctors on Monday. 

I should probably see someone about it and the lump I thought that was scar tissue that’s not got bigger and hurts to touch. 

I’m going with a phantom pregnancy as my diagnosis. Bloated, constantly feeling sick and needing to wee all the time. Sounds way better than the other options Dr Google is throwing at me 😊