And then it hit me…

I’m sitting at my desk, trying to do some homework for my cognitive behavioural therapy session and I just cannot concentrate.
The reality of what was discussed on Saturday has finally sunk in.

If these injections don’t work I will be faced with yet another operation next March at the latest.
If that, combined with having the coil fitted, doesn’t work, this time next year I will be facing the possibility of having a hysterectomy.
I will be 30 years old.

I was once dumped by a guy because I was told my fertility may be an issue due to my PCOS, previous infections that have left me with scarred fallopian tubes and the surgery to my right ovary.
At 26 I was told that it may be very difficult and to start an IVF fund.
It has never been confirmed that I can not have children.
This guy broke my heart on a possibility that “it may be difficult”. How can I get into a new relationship and trust that they wouldn’t do the same?
At what point do I shatter their dreams of a biological family by telling them I have had a hysterectomy?

The one thing women are “supposed” to do apparently, is to have babies and I wont be able to do that if I go ahead with the surgery.

It’s one thing choosing not to have a kid, but another having that choice taken away.

My current 5 year plan for example, included adopting in my mid thirties, but now that I’m faced with the possibility of having such a drastic and final surgery, I no longer know what I want.
Do I want to experience the whole pregnancy and childbirth experience to be selfish and have my own child or do I admit defeat and resign myself to the fact that maybe its just not in my destiny?

Where do I even find a father for this child?
Sperm donors are expensive and you never really know how weird that person actually is.
Do I ruin a friendship and get the goods from a trusted source?
A wonderful source of DNA agreed to be a donor but I fear he said it out of pity and wouldn’t seriously be prepared for such a responsibility.

The idea of freezing my eggs in order to use a surrogate terrifies me.
At any point they can change their minds and keep the baby! They are the legal mother of the child until a parental order or adoption has been completed.
An adoption agreement has no legal standing. How awful is that?!

I was meant to start a masters programme in January. Is that something I’m going to be able to complete whilst still going through all this unknown?
How would I deal with that and a kid?

Being a good mum is all I’ve ever wanted to do with my life but I dont know if I am ready for that right now.
At the same time, I really do not want to miss out on the opportunity to have my own child whilst I still can.

This is all a bit too much for me to deal with to be honest.
The depression was already making it difficult to concentrate but now its even more of a struggle.

I’m hoping beyond hope that they find something wrong somewhere else and all this can be forgotten.
I’ve been through enough of this now thanks. Its time to stop.

Ultimately though, I’m going to run out of options for pain relief and will have to start making hard decisions a lot sooner than I had ever dreamed of doing


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s