Tomorrow’s the day!
Tomorrow a couple of surgeons are going to slice me open and have a look inside to see if they can see anything abnormal. They’ll investigate this “mass” they’re avoiding talking to me about (I’m really hoping for a teratoma. Hair, teeth, the works!) and possibly cut up all the cobweb-like scar tissue sticking all my organs together.
Am I worried? Yes. But I’m scared of it not working or the other extreme happening and leaving my mum behind, alone. All the bits in between I’m ok with. I’ve thought about all the possibilities.
*I could lose the right ovary and fallopian tube- I’ve already been told the whole kids thing may not be in my future and that side is the evil side anyway.
Plus I’d happily never have sex again to be honest and I’ve already started looking into the adoption process as a single mother 🙂
I’ve made peace with the possibility of not carrying my own children so if I lost the whole reproductive system I don’t think it would affect me much anymore.
*I could end up with a stoma bag -Already named it Ren and Stumpy! I can wear the smallest bikini ever and not feel self conscious about my fat bits as everyone will be looking at my bag!
*I could get another infection and end up spending weeks in hospital-Not ideal but I already cant work because I’m on so much morphine and therefore cant drive. I’d just be bored in hospital instead of at home. Plus I got more visitors in hospital than I have had at home!
Any of these options are preferable to the operation not working. To them going in, not finding anything abnormal and then me spending the rest of life with this unknown cause of crippling pain.
That’s the thing that scares me most.
Before I was admitted, before it got so bad. Heck, before I even did that 50km trek my doctor advised me not to do, I was looking into going to Sweden to Dignitas for assisted suicide.
This is my last hope and I am terrified it will not work. I’m out of options and most doctors but my GP gave up on me a long time ago.
I want my life back. Or at least some form of a life where I can at least leave the house alone without fear of collapsing or crying because the pain is too much and I cant lay down.
Keep your fingers crossed and I’ll keep you updated tomorrow when I meet the new people I get to spend 24hrs a day with until I’m unleashed from the hospitals grasps.