Have you any idea how lonely it is to be sick?

Have you ever thought about what it’s like to be a patient in hospital. Not the being sick part but what it does to a person mentally?

To have your interactions with non staff members or other patients be completely dependent on whether somebody else deems you important enough to visit that day.
To feel like you just stop existing because you’re trapped in a hospital through no fault of your own.
Its like a little prison. But way less interesting than OITNB.

I was in so much pain and so unsteady on my feet that some days I was unable to simply walk to the bathroom on my own.
I couldn’t shower without sitting on a shower chair or having someone else to help carry my stuff to and from the bathroom
The days I was attached to a drip stand were the steadiest days.

I currently can’t go a day without two different types of morphine and a bunch of other drugs, just to make life bearable.

I don’t think people see me as someone who is particularly weak or vulnerable but after 3 years this shit has worn me down, physically and mentally.
Im sad and I’m lonely and I feel like some of my friends don’t actually care. Which is a crap feeling but something I already went through in NZ and quickly learnt who I could lean on. (I could write whole books on Kristina but that’s not for now)

No matter what state I’m in, a simple text to let me know you haven’t completely forgotten my existence makes my day. Just to know that actually people do care about me in a way that’s not just for show publically on facebook, but genuine.
Those who have visited or messaged, or sent someone over to check on me on their behalf mean the world to me. I may not have been in the best state or able to hold a real conversation but know this, it made my day. Truely.

Being poked and prodded daily for those last two weeks was the least amount of fun I’ve had in a long time. Having to repeat my story to every new healthcare professional that came to look down on me in my bed was exhausting.
Some had pity in their eyes but most seem uninterested. “If you’ve managed for so long, why should we bother doing anything now? You’re not exactly writhing around the bed in pain!”

Im so very, very tired of it all now. All the pain is exhausting and no I’m not someone who is going to ham it up and make a load of noise about being in pain. I’ll quietly suffer until I can’t take it anymore or whoever is with me decides that enough is enough and they force me to see someone about it.
I’d been doing so well at pretending to be ok for weeks. Bloody Martina making someone in A&E check me out and trapping me in hospital for 2 weeks.
Most if not all of my hospital admissions have been the result of someone else deciding I was in too much pain to cope alone. Many of the admissions have been whilst I’ve been on duty, proving I’m a tough nut and really good at hiding how much I’m hurting.
It’s a big fat lie and I’m not as strong as I pretend to be.
Please remember that.


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